Change is Scary

I’d intended to move out of Texas once my son was settled in college. In my divorce decree, my ex made a provision that it would be fine for me to move before then but I had a steady job and a life I liked in Texas so it was not difficult to stay.

With my son leaving, I have been feeling like I don’t want to be alone. It would be nice to live near family. I have friends here in Texas but as you get older, I think friendships change. It seems harder to have that tight relationship with someone who isn’t your partner that you did in your thirties. I don’t know why this is. Part of me would love to have a best friend roommate like the Golden Girls but I do like my “me time”.

My sister has been sending me homes for sale in her area for months. Most clearly out of my price range. The ones I could afford, after the sale of my house, didn’t thrill me. I used to open her texts and emails right away but after months of so so houses or unattainable dream homes, I waiting until I had a moment to check them out. Besides, my timeline was not to do anything until I got my son off to college in August.

Freelance has fallen off a bit for the summer so I got certified to be a lifeguard. Between the two I will have an income, not like I did as the DOP for my newspaper but I can be frugal. I was planning for the summer. I would slowly get my house in order to be listed. Slowly and methodically get rid of 13 years of stuff I have accumulated since my move after the divorce. My sister always said I could move in with her until I found the perfect house for me. I’m not sure how that would work with 5 cats and two dogs, not to mention the equines….but still, it was an option. I’d move in the Fall when it was cooler and less expensive.

Then it happened, she sent me a video home tour. I waited a couple days to look at it. Honestly I forgot about it then remembered that she’d sent me a text. I watched this video and all I kept thinking was “this is my house.” I would not change a thing. The paint is perfect, the landscaping is perfect, the furnishings are perfect and there is room for me to make my art. There are fruit trees and a screened in porch. And the barn, don’t even get me started on the barn! It is huge with an upstairs. The listing said that it would come furnished. Wait. What????

I sent my sister and the realtor to have a look in person. They agreed that it would be a good fit for me. The open layout, the land, the character of the home suited my personality. I am going to see the house in person in 10 days. There is the chance that it will sell but there are things that would be turnoffs to other buyers. There is no garage, the property is triangle shaped bordered by 2 roads and it is not new. The original house was built in the early 1900’s. The water is well water and it has septic. Both of those are not for the faint of heart. In the area, there is new construction in the trendy farmhouse style. Then there is the price, it is a bit more than I wanted to spend. I wanted to have a cushion so I can pay for moving costs, and have time to find a job. As a single woman, money, or lack thereof makes me nervous. A long time ago I went to a palm reader (for free) who said I would never be rich. I have worked so hard to prove her wrong and not be poor. Would it be responsible for me to make this investment?

In the meantime, I am working on clearing out my Texas home. Getting rid of stuff that does not serve me. I have applied to be on the new reality show “Swedish Death Cleaning” because I would like help in this process. Help understanding that I have memories. I don’t need a book or candle to remind me of those memories. Just because something was my mother’s or it was something she wanted me to have, does not mean I have to keep it. I know the right thing to do in my head but my heart disagrees sometimes. I also inherited some depression mentality from some ancestor because I think, “what if I need this someday?” A screw, a part, a broken robot vacuum that I think I can fix…. I need a clear out coach. My realtor wanted to see some progress in 10 days, before I went to go look at the cutest house in the state of Georgia. I am deadline driven. I have two boxes filled so far, ready to take to the thrift store.